I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
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P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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