Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
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I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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