please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
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Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
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Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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