i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
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If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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