what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
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He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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