My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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