Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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