you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize