Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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