theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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