When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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