I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
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Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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