I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
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He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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