this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize