mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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