I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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