you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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