you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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