We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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