what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We are two peas in an std pod
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
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why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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