I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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