A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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