Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
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he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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