70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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