In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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