We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
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winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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