highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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