Already got asked if we're dating
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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