my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
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Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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