I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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