he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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