If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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