I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My ass is underappreciated
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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