did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
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his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
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You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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