I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
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I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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