I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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