yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
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my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
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Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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