I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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