my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
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We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
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My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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