Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
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I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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