Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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