there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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