At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
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spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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