Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
