I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
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I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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