That's when you crack a 10am beer
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
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I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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