Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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