96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
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Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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