I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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