apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize